While the world is spinning

This is what my life has come to.

I’ve always been indecisive, but I’ve wanted to work with cars for a long time.  It’s the only thing that I knew I wanted since I was younger.  Now, I’m left with whether or not I should transfer to Portland State or if I want to continue here with a different major.

Pros to transferring:

• I’d see Tina more.
• I’d see my family more.
• I’d see Laura more.
• I could get a trimet pass for cheap.
• I’d be closer to Portland.
• I wouldn’t have to pay rent.
• Air conditioning.
• Food.

Cons to transferring:

• I’d see my family more.
• I wouldn’t have my own room.
• No pool.

Do I like my school?  Not especially.  I’ve really decided that the only reason I’m staying here is because I have my own space here.  Is that enough to stay here?  Probably not.  I think my biggest fear is being a failure to my dad.  I hate that “you disappoint me” look he gives me when I do something he doesn’t approve of.  I think that is quite possibly the worst feeling in the world.  I’m scared because I know if I don’t do ME anymore, I have no idea what I would want to do, but at the same time, I don’t think that is a good enough reason to stay with something that overwhelms me and makes me feel like a complete failure.  I’ve been having second thoughts for a while now and I even went to the career center last summer and the lady there basically said that engineering is what I want to do.  Well, obviously it isn’t lady, so what am I supposed to do now?  So, even if I did change schools, what would I major in?  

Lately, I’d far rather take a nap or watch tv or just lay in bed and listen to music rather than sit there over my math homework and cry because I don’t understand what I’m supposed to be doing.  The stress is clearly getting to me.  I’m more depressed than usual.  Everything has been piling up lately and then the stress of having no money is driving me insane.  

Maybe I should just quit school and get a job?  I don’t know.  I’ve never felt so lost before now. 

I hate change.

It’s one of those days where I have no desire to get out of bed, where a sob rips through my body and all I can do is hug myself because I have no one and love is hell is on repeat. 

I want to go swimming and ride my bike and play catch with my little brother.

True life - I’m 21 and I’m scared of the dark.

Dear Chemistry,

please get cancelled.  The likelihood of me going right now is very low, so getting cancelled would be a better excuse as to why I’m not going.

I’m glad I didn’t try getting out of bed.